First Steps

First Steps on the Journey to Conscious Parenting

What I haven’t yet related in this blog is that, initially, I didn’t set out on a journey to change my parenting, rather I set out on the pre-requisite journey – that of healing and learning to love myself…

Five years ago, I was a person crippled by anxiety and fear, by self-doubt, self-loathing and despair.  My relationship with my children was poor, guilt-ridden, exhausting – I yelled at my kids a lot.  I remember my eldest daughter telling me she wished her best friend’s Mom was her Mom because there was never any screaming at her house.  Over the course of a couple of years, as I healed and learned to forgive and to love myself, I was growing in myself a state of inner resourcefulness.  And, it was from this place of inner resourcefulness (self-compassion, self-love), that I was able to take a good, honest look at my parenting behaviours and my relationship with my children.

I mention this, not only to demonstrate the distance it’s possible to travel in a few years, but mainly because if we don’t address our own pain, our own woundedness, we will be sure to unintentionally inflict those same wounds on our children – despite our best intentions to the contrary.  I also mention this because the human spirit is extremely resilient and I’m amazed, humbled and grateful for the manner in which, as I’ve healed, I have been able to create the loving space within myself and within our home for my children’s healing to occur as well.

I think the deepest, most basic wound from which most of us suffer is that of never having been truly ‘seen’ [psychologists call this ‘proximal’ abandonment] and so, having been rejected on the most basic of soul levels, we repress and even attempt to outright murder our own true and authentic self.  This is the disease of disconnect of which I’ve been speaking.  We have lost or murdered our true self because it was never welcomed, it was never honoured, it was never seen [on the contrary, it was overtly suppressed] – by our parents, by our teachers, by our community and THIS is the wound that we inflict again upon our children.  And we do it in so many ways:

  • by cribbing children instead of carrying them or sleeping with them, ignoring their deep need for psycho-emotional bonding and attachment [a need that actually takes precedence over and above the satiation of basic physical needs like the need for food or sleep]
  • by letting our children ‘cry it out’ when studies are now showing children, even up to the ages of four and five, are unable to regulate their own psycho-emotional state and require soothing from a calm adult in order to learn how to properly self-soothe
  • by shaming them for exhibiting the same violent behaviour we unconsciously perpetrate on them on a daily basis
  • by being so busy doing that there is no space for simply being present with oneself, let alone with our children
  • by keeping our children so busy doing there is no space for them to simply be present with themselves
  • by violating our children’s inherent rights to self-ownership and self-expression, leaving no space for the unfolding of their own uniqueness
  • by attempting to control and mold them according to our own idea of what a ‘good’ child is
  • and so, consequently, by continuously violating them physically, emotionally and psychologically.

And we do it because we are so shell-shocked ourselves, because we are so disconnected from the vulnerable inner self that was so violated and shamed when we were children that it went into the deepest of hiding places.  The disconnection is so extreme and it is so ‘normalized’, most of us don’t even realize there is even a healing journey to begin.

And so, of course, I encourage you to begin the journey ‘home’.  It takes immense courage, immense resolve and immense humility.   Give yourself the necessary permission to hold yourself, to dare to be seen, to slow down, breathe out, and take those necessary first steps towards healing…

This is how a better world is birthed.

Resources:

Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype – Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

Warming the Stone Child: Myths and Stories about Abandonment and the Unmothered Child – Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D {Audio Work}

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Dr. Sue Johnson

http://www.kindredcommunity.com

Wheels of Life: The Classic Guide to the Chakra System – Anodea Judith, Ph.D

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Tapping Manual Download (acupressure/tapping to aid in the freeing-up and release of repressed emotions and trauma)

Peter Levine’s Work and Healing Methodologies: http://www.somaticexperiencing.com  and http://www.traumahealing.com/somatic-experiencing/peter-levine.html

Survivors and Partners: healing the relationships of sexual abuse survivors – Paul A. Hansen

Belleruth Nazpartek’s guided imagery for healing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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Heartening Moments and Painful Realizations on the Path of Conscious Parenting

I mentioned, in one of my past posts, the double standard that permeates our interactions with children, and my new understanding that my children’s ‘poor’ behaviour was simply a reflection of my own.  Here are a couple of heartening moments and painful realizations from my path of conscious parenting.

I started modifying my behaviour in December, 2011.  I expected there to be a time lag between changes in my behaviour and subsequent changes in my children’s behaviour and knew that a great deal of faith in the process would be required.  One of the first bright moments came a couple of months ago, February I think, when Samara, for the first time, said, “Excuse me, I would like to interrupt” instead of barging in on a conversation.  We tend to interrupt our children’s activities often and rudely but then are horrified, angry and embarrassed when they interrupt us rudely in return (that nasty double-standard!)  Three months of quietly and politely asking my children if I could “interrupt them for a moment” is finally ‘paying off’ as they begin to treat me respectfully in return.

Typically, when our children speak to us angrily or rudely or hurtfully we volley the anger, dismissal or hurtfulness right back at them.  How dare they be angry?!  How dare they question us?   How dare they not want to please us?!  However, this anger is typically a very understandable defence against the violation of their basic rights and now gives me pause to stop and consider my own actions.

As I refrain from imposing my will on my children, I’ve also been forced to acknowledge that the ‘normalization’ I witnessed after I first began to ‘allow’ Jasmine to make her own decisions was only her mistrust of the situation. I think that, on a very fundamental level, she didn’t trust I would continue to love her if she were truly herself, if she stopped ‘trying to please’.   Adults like it when children ‘try to please’.  We confuse a child who ‘tries to please’ with a ‘good’ child because a child who ‘tries to please’ validates us.   I think it is very harmful to children in the long run; they risk losing themselves in the pleasing of others.

And so it has been with the passing of time, as Jasmine tests to see if there are boundaries to my love and as she experiments with learning to be herself, that I have begun to witness some of the damage of my past parenting.  It has been especially painful to observe Jasmine ‘transform’ from a child whom I thought was empathetic and thoughtful to a child who appears to demonstrate little to no empathy.   Lately, Jasmine has been tormenting and teasing her sister viciously and incessantly; she has also been hitting her violently and treating her friends callously.  This behaviour reminded me acutely of the violent nature of Jasmine’s jealousy towards Samara during her little sister’s first year of life and it forced me to acknowledge that Jasmine had only suppressed this violent jealousy as she desperately tried to retain my love and approval after Samara’s birth.

Horrified and worried, I turned to the web 🙂  for help with this new development and found two incredible articles which helped me to understand my child’s apparent lack of empathy.  The author of the articles discusses the damage we do when we shame children for their behaviour rather than communicating to them (without judgement) the consequences of their behaviour.  To sum them up (but I highly recommend reading the articles :)), when we shame a child for what we perceive to be unacceptable behaviour, instead of them understanding the harm they have done (and thus developing empathy), they instead focus only on themselves with feelings of shame and self-hatred.  They don’t ‘hear’ and can’t ‘see’ anything beyond, “I am bad”.  It’s a double whammy: children learn to hate themselves, plus they learn nothing of the impact of their actions on others.  I had been aware for quite some time of Jasmine’s self-hatred but, until reading these articles, had been unaware of its cause.

It has been very difficult to acknowledge that my child has little to no self-worth and painful to recognize that she is not the empathetic child I thought she was.  I had no idea that journeying down the path of conscious parenting would land me in this place.  I’m hoping, as I love Jasmine through this darkness and gently help her to understand how her actions affect those around her, that she will again feel worthy of self-love and the love of those around her.